


where were you in the morning, baby (and how do you, how do you just walk away)

by jaesungs



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, Doyoung is there for like a little bit, Friends With Benefits, I mean, M/M, bad at feelings johnny, i guess no one else exists, it's not that sad its just like angsty, sad jaehyun, this is self-indulgent and cliche
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-23
Updated: 2019-01-23
Packaged: 2019-10-14 20:46:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,402
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17515622
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jaesungs/pseuds/jaesungs
Summary: and, unknown to most, there is only one person that jaehyun has ever had his eyes on. the same person who's broken his heart more than once and the same person who he allows to break his heart over and over.johnny seo.





	where were you in the morning, baby (and how do you, how do you just walk away)

**Author's Note:**

> this was supposed to be less than 1000 words and posted on twitter, but somehow we ended up with 6k+ words of johnjae angst. :)
> 
> side notes: this is all lowercase because i started typing it on my phone and i was just too lazy to rewrite 6k words in proper grammar. also, i wrote so much of this in gym class so i apologize for my typos its oddly hard to write and walk????
> 
> [edit 22 april 2019] title: where were you in the morning? by shawn mendes

the funny thing to jaehyun is that he doesn’t have a lot of one night stands despite what people like to believe about him. he doesn’t sleep around, doesn’t break people's hearts for the fun of it. that’s just his reputation.

and, unknown to most, there is only one person that jaehyun has ever had his eyes on. the same person who's broken his heart more than once and the same person who he allows to break his heart over and over.

johnny seo.

it’s thursday morning when jaehyun rolls over and feels the coolness from the empty spot in his bed, where the covers had been thrown back and the sheets were a crumpled messed around him. he sighs, running his hand over the place johnny once was.

it isn’t a surprise to him that johnny isn’t there and when he thinks about it, it probably won’t ever be a surprise. because they’re _just friends_. friends who help each other out occasionally. or weekly.

he stares at the ceiling, almost laughing because it is kind of humorous to him when he thinks about what he’s doing with his life. he runs his fingers through his disheveled hair, remembering the night before with a small smile on his face. 

his phone starts buzzing from somewhere in the bed, which forces him to sit up and look for it. when he finally finds it, he purses his lips as he reads johnny’s name across the screen. 

“hey,” he mutters into the phone, licking his lips and finally standing up from his bed.

“hey,” johnny says back a little breathy, a heavy pant following. “sorry, just got done with a run.”

“oh,” jaehyun acknowledges as he rummages through his stack of clothes beside his bed. 

“yeah,” johnny pauses, “are you free tonight? there’s this bar i want to take you to, if you’re up for it.”

jaehyun hums like he’s really thinking about his answer. a few seconds later he’s agreeing, “yeah, i think i’m free tonight. i have to tutor until six, though.”

“great.” jaehyun thinks that he shouldn’t be able to tell that johnny is grinning. “i’ll pick you up at ten? i have this thing until then.”

it crushes jaehyun (more than he likes to admit) that he knows _this thing_ also refers to a fuck session with someone who’s not him. it hits him in the gut, strikes him in the heart like a dagger to the chest. “cool. is it casual wear?”

jaehyun hears distant voices from the other side of the phone and then hears johnny’s hushed voice, like he’s holding a hand over the microphone but doing a very shitty job at it. it takes johnny a couple of seconds before he returns, voice crystal clear. “uhm...what was your question? casual? yeah, that’s good. wear those jeans that make your ass look good as fuck. and, maybe a that silk button down.”

“oka--” 

“hey, sorry, i gotta go. see you at seven.”

the line goes dead.

jaehyun sighs for the nth time that morning and runs to his shower because when he checks the time, he sees he’s already ten minutes late for his 9 am class.

+

it isn’t until twelve again that he finds his mind wandering to johnny. the way his muscles flex and his little breathless smile when it’s all and done with.

“you’re so obvious,” doyoung bites, playing with his salad, fork moving the lettuce around in the plastic bowl.

jaehyun looks up from his own lunch. “am not.”

“are too.”

they leave it at that because they both know he is obvious. 

“he’s taking me out tonight,” jaehyun says suddenly, looking up from his phone. 

doyoung is a master at a lot of things (fucking, cuddling, and math), but his ability to read emotions tops the list. “hesitant to go?”

jaehyun nods softly like he doesn’t want to admit the truth. “it’s not a date, and i know it’s not, but that’s what it feels like.”

“you say that every time,” doyoung points out, lips pursed. “every. time.”

“i wish you’d be a good friend and just let me rant.”

“i do,” doyoung says, “and then i point out your mistakes because i’m not a liar. and, i'm not someone who sugarcoats the truth.”

jaehyun is silent for a moment before he finally decides on what he wants to say. “i wish i didn't love him.”

doyoung pauses, biting his lip as he thinks. “no you don’t. you wish he loved you the same way you love him.”

+

around six-thirty, jaehyun is stepping out of his shower for the second time that day. he fumbles around with his body lotion before slathering it on.

when he checks his phone, he sees there are no texts from johnny and he drops it, refusing to be disappointed. he pulls on the jeans that make his ass look amazing, according to johnny, and his favorite sheer button-up with dark purple flowers covering it. jaehyun plays with his hair for a few minutes before blow drying it and letting it go free without any gel.

the next time he checks his phone, there’s a simple and short text from johnny, stating that he’d be there in ten. jaehyun grabs his wallet before he slides on his shoes, checking his appearance in the mirror quickly until he hears a knock on his front door.

“you look good” is the first thing johnny says to him when he opens the door.

jaehyun smiles. “thanks.” he looks at johnny’s appearance and tries not to drool. _of course_ , johnny looks like a fucking god in black skinny jeans and a tight black t-shirt that shows off his chest and arm muscles. 

“you ready to go? happy hour ends in thirty,” johnny winks after grabbing jaehyun’s hand and leading him to his car, giving the latter barely enough time to close and lock his door.

jaehyun sits in the passenger side of johnny’s car as usual, taking in the scent that is more johnny than johnny seo himself. it’s a mix of his cologne and mint from all the gum he chews and the bitter smell of coffee because johnny is made of coffee by this point. 

“where are we going again?” jaehyun asks as they pull onto a main road. 

“club,” johnny replies, not taking his eyes off the road. 

“thank you for specifying,” jaehyun rolls his eyes and pulls his phone from his back pocket.

johnny cracks a smile, but doesn’t respond to jaehyun. instead, he takes his right hand off the wheel and lets it rest on jaehyun’ thigh. there’s comfort in it. in the silence, in the way johnny squeezes his thigh every few seconds.

they pull up to a brightly lit club ten minutes later, illuminating the inside of the dark car.

_rogue._

“cute,” jaehyun mentions as he steps out of johnny’s car. 

“isn’t it?” johnny takes jaehyun’s hand because he can see the nerves running through the latter. jaehyun didn’t get nervous around other people, but johnny ruined him. 

they walk in together hand in hand, johnny apparently knowing the bouncer on a first name basis. jaehyun barely has enough time to take in the room before johnny is shuffling him toward the bar. 

“two vodka shots,” johnny orders with a grin that makes the bartender blush red. he turns to jaehyun, “did you want four?”

jaehyun shakes his head and takes in the club, which is dimly lit with different colored strobe lights shining on the crowd as they all dance on one another. the music is loud, blasting some song with heavy bass.

“here,” johnny hands jaehyun a shot glass, which he downs easily, nose scrunching up from the bitter taste. johnny does the same, but he smiles afterward and runs his fingers across jaehyun’s exposed collarbone. “ever done body shots?”

it’s a stupid question because jaehyun is more than ninety percent sure that johnny has done a body shot or two off of him, but he just smirks instead. jaehyun plays coy instead because he’s a tease. “maybe you can show me later.”

johnny chuckles. “maybe.” 

jaehyun happily leads them into the massive crowd of people, hand in johnny’s the entire time. they work good together in many ways, but jaehyun thinks that their best pastime is dancing. maybe because it’s jaehyun’s second favorite, right after fucking. 

their hips find a rhythm easily like they’d been pressed against each other a thousand times. johnny’s hands work their way from jaehyun’s hair down to his hips, pulling him so close that their lips are just a few inches away. jaehyun wraps his arms around johnny’s neck, closing the gap between them. 

jaehyun kisses johnny first, pleased that johnny _knew_ how to kiss him, how to make him want him. and, even if johnny didn’t love him the way he wanted, he knew that the older had some kind of feeling for him. 

their night continues on like this, bodies so close that jaehyun is convinced that he doesn’t know where his limbs end and johnny’s begin. it’s so hot, literally, figuratively, whatever. he’s sweating from the people on top of him and at one in the morning, he’s dragging johnny off the dance floor back to the bar.

“come home with me,” jaehyun whispers into johnny’s ear, lips biting on his earlobe. “please.”

he didn’t have to ask, didn’t have to say anything because he knew that johnny was coming home with him no matter what. it has always been like that and jaehyun was terrible at breaking habits, especially those that most would deem self-destructive. because if you ask doyoung, jaehyun is self-destructive for staying around johnny. 

the ride home is tense because they are horny and jaehyun is nervous and there were all these factors playing into what could happen tomorrow morning. johnny whispers to jaehyun that he needs to calm down, somewhere in between the car and the first wall they come into contact with in jaehyun’s house. 

it’s a blur of clothes flying all over the room and the exchange of broken kisses and little whimpers that escape from jaehyun as a result of johnny’s terrible, terrible teasing. he doesn’t know how they manage to make it to his bedroom without breaking anything, but he figures it’s because they’d done it so many times, they should be masters at navigating through his home.

jaehyun smiles into the kiss, both hands intertwined with johnny’s. there’s a moment where johnny leans back, admiring how jaehyun looks with the white sheets spread around him like a halo. he’s angelic. 

tonight is different, jaehyun and johnny can both feel it. most of their fucks are hard and fast, leave jaehyun aching for days. but, he doesn’t feel that same sort of rush. not really.

jaehyun grabs the back of johnny’s neck, pulling him forward, fingers tugging on the hairon the nape of his neck. “want you.”

johnny smiles a little, no teeth, eyes sparkling. “okay,” he agrees softly, leaning in to kiss him again.

+

somewhere around three a.m., jaehyun is dancing his fingertips over johnny’s chest. johnny hums, fingers playing with jaehyun’s.

“i make a mean breakfast,” jaehyun says suddenly, pushing himself off of johnny’s chest and resting on his elbow, “if you wanted to know.”

johnny smiles softly, eyes closed out of exhaustion. “bet you do.”

“are you going to stay?” jaehyun asks weakly, laying back down. he doesn’t want to know the answer. it’s one of those questions that he’s mapped out all the responses in his head to, made a script for every possible scenario. one percent of those scenarios end with johnny saying yes.

he doesn’t answer, which was one of the scenarios that jaehyun had in mind. he lets it go and instead allows himself to fall asleep while listening to the soft beat of johnny’s heart.

+

friday morning, jaehyun’s hand runs over the spot next to him, only to meet the chilly sheets. he gulps, trying to choke down his tears. he’s suppressed his need to cry over johnny seo before, but this time it hurts more than usual. maybe because the night before was different than usual.

it was slow and tender, intimacy that only occurs a few times for them. the kind of intimacy jaehyun is sure only he experiences with the older, in spite of johnny’s many hookups.

fat, hot tears run down his face. his face burns red, maybe with shame or regret, but mostly with pure sadness. bone-crushing, aching sadness fuels his tears and he lets himself choke on his own saliva, lets his lungs burn. he doesn’t even know why he’s crying, or why he decides to cry then. 

it goes on until his alarm goes off and he’s forced to search for his phone. he wipes his eyes with his comforter before grabbing his phone and turning it off. he finds refuge in the shower, like usual. 

he makes a stupid decision as he’s getting ready to leave for his first class at one p.m. 

**jaehyun, 12:34 p.m.**  
what happened to breakfast?

he doesn’t get a response and he’s not at all surprised. because johnny is johnny and jaehyun is jaehyun. and, old habits die hard.

+

“what should i do?”

“no hello? hi, how are you?” doyoung raises his eyebrows, closing his book and setting it down on the table in front of him. “hi, jaehyun.”

jaehyun sighs and plops down in the seat, face falling into the palms of his hands. “hi. what should i do?”

“did you fuck him again?” the silence is enough. “jesus fuck, jaehyun. you have to be some kind of masochist or something because you keep fucking someone who doesn’t give a fuck about you.”

“y-you don’t mean that,” jaehyun defends, voice cracking, “he does give a fuck. he does.”

doyoung just shakes his head. “i think he does, i do. but, if he does then he has a shitty way of showing it.”

“can’t argue with that,” jaehyun’s body sags. “what should i do?”

“besides drop kick his ass and find someone who actually cares about you?” jaehyun sighs. “confront him, clearly. i mean, you have to see where you truly stand with him.”

jaehyun bites his lips and rubs his temples because his head is pounding from all the thinking, and maybe because he let johnny drag him out on a thursday night. “what if i don’t even want to know?”

doyoung chuckles, already picking his book back up and removing the bookmark. “then you wouldn’t be asking for my advice, now would you?”

he supposes doyoung has a point.

+

it’s monday morning now and jaehyun still hasn’t contacted johnny, in fact he’s been avoiding johnny the best he can. he doesn’t really know what to say to him, doesn’t know how to bring it up.

everything crumbles when there’s a knock at his door around eight a.m., right as jaehyun is leaving for his class. he furrows his eyebrows as he walks to his front door.

you can imagine his shock when he sees johnny standing there dressed in workout clothes, including a stupid little headband that makes jaehyun smile. 

they stand and stare for a couple of seconds before johnny clears his throat. “hey.”

jaehyun licks his lips. “hey.” he steps aside and allows johnny to walk inside. 

“i know i just showed up,” johnny mutters, “but i was worried. you didn’t answer me all weekend and you weren’t on twitter and...yeah.”

“i—yeah.” jaehyun doesn’t know how to explain it.

“but, you're okay, right?” johnny looks at his phone, checking the time because he knows jaehyun needs to leave soon.

“yeah,” jaehyun answers, nodding his head and grabbing his stuff for the day. “i’m fine.”

“you don't sound fine,” johnny protests a little, which is unlike him, so jaehyun perks up from where he had bent over to put his converse on.

“a lot to think about,” jaehyun mumbles, tying his shoe. “a lot.”

johnny is quiet for a moment. “like?”

“you.” jaehyun facepalms the second it leaves his mouth. he doesn’t know what’s worse, johnny’s silence or if johnny were to speak.

he doesn’t turn around, doesn’t want to see the look on johnny’s face, but he can’t bring himself to take it back.

“own up to it,” johnny finally says, grabbing jaehyun’s bicep and spinning him around. “if you’re going to say it, don’t be a fucking pussy about it, jaehyun.”

jaehyun blinks a couple of times, mouth falling open. “excuse me?”

apparently whatever edge johnny had, he lost because he relents. “nothing.”

jaehyun doesn’t know how to feel because the situation is just so _johnny_. the confusion. the mixed signals. jaehyun not knowing where he even stands. jaehyun grits out, “i said ‘you’ because i mean the reason i’ve been so fucked up is because of you, johnny. you.”

johnny doesn’t speak. jaehyun continues. “you have to know, there’s no way you don’t know. so, let’s pretend to be grown up for five fucking minutes, okay? i love you—no, fuck that. i’m _in love_ with you, johnny, and you know that. a-and i think you’re in love with me too.”

he feels out of breath, like he’d just finished a race or something because there’s adrenaline running through his body. he meets johnny’s eyes and there’s immediately this regret filling his chest, almost suffocating him. because the look on johnny’s face doesn’t read i’m in love with you too, but it’s just blank. nothing.

“say it back,” jaehyun demands, poking johnny’s chest, anger building up. “say. it. back. _please_ ,” the last part comes out as a whisper, a desperate little cry, begging johnny to just say something. anything.

_say anything, please, please, please._

“i don’t know” is what johnny answers with. “i don’t know.”

anything didn’t include those three short, definitive words. because, i don’t know isn’t i love you. three words. three words that meant the complete opposite in jaehyun’s book.

“y-you don’t know?” jaehyun gasps, like he’s been sucker punched in the stomach. 

johnny looks like a deer caught in the headlights, eyes wide, shock frozen on his face. “i don’t know,” he repeats, like nails in jaehyun’s coffin.

“okay,” jaehyun breathes calmly, eyes closed because he just can’t take seeing johnny anymore. “okay.”

“i like you,” johnny tries, “y-you know i do, i like you s—“

“no,” jaehyun holds up his hand. “i don’t want to hear it...i don’t want to hear from you until you have your shit together.” he opens his eyes to look at phone and curses when he sees the time. “i’m late.”

“okay.” johnny bites his lip and walks to jaehyun’s door frame, lingering on the edge of it, one foot literally out the door. he looks over his shoulder like he wants to say more, but he just shakes his head and walks to his car.

jaehyun is shaking as he slams his door behind him and gets into his own car. and, he breaks down into sobs that take over his whole body.

“fuck!” he hits his hands on the steering wheel. “fuck. fuck. fuck!”

+

“i’m sorry,” doyoung says as soon as he steps into jaehyun’s house, holding tissues and ice cream.

the only part of jaehyun to move is his eyes because he can’t bring himself to move from the burrito he’d made out of blankets on his couch. 

doyoung sets the stuff he’d brought with him on the table next to jaehyun’s couch. luckily for him, he’s skinny and jaehyun’s couch is oddly wide. he steps over jaehyun’s legs and lays down behind him, spooning him the way jaehyun likes.

and doyoung is so nice and jaehyun feels so bad and everything is too much and it’s not enough because it’s not johnny and jaehyun starts to cry again. 

“shhh,” doyoung hushes in that soothing voice of his. “i know.”

doyoung begins to hum and it’s calming, so much so that jaehyun is lulled to sleep. 

two hours later, jaehyun wakes up with tears dried and snot dried to his face, the sound of cooking coming from the kitchen. he wipes his face on the blanket and stumbles out of his black hole of blankets. 

“welcome back to the land of the living,” doyoung greets as he stares at the stove, stirring something in a pan that smells so good jaehyun’s stomach grumbles. “you were dead, dead.”

jaehyun runs his fingers through his hair. “you’re cooking,” he notes aloud.

“you can’t live off takeout, i won’t allow it. so what the guy you’ve been in love with for over a year fucked up? you are not ruining your smoking hot body over him. no guy is worth that.” doyoung motions to the salad he left out for jaehyun.

“i’m not hungry.”

“yeah, and i’m not going to let you starve over johnny fucking seo. fuck him and his abs and his delicious arms and his cute smile. fuck him.” doyoung points at the salad and jaehyun sheepishly sits down to eat it.

“fuck johnny seo,” jaehyun sighs. “if only it were that easy.”

doyoung sighs and slides in next to jaehyun, wrapping an arm around his shoulder and waist. “i know it fucking sucks, _i know_ , but you’re going to focus on yourself and you’re going to get through this. fuck. johnny. seo.”

_yeah. fuck him._

+

he tries. for two weeks he tries to focus on himself. but, he’s lonely and he’s horny and heartbroken which is a recipe for disaster.

so, sue him for fucking some girl he meets on tinder and a guy he finds in a packed club. they take the pain away the same way that heroine could’ve, so he thinks maybe sex in replace of drugs is the way to go.

so tinder and grindr become the two most used apps on his phone, become the only two apps he sets on the dock because every night when he’s itching for something to take his mind off johnny seo, he turns to other’s company instead.

“thanks,” the girl says to him, and he’s already forgotten her name. “for this.”

he nods curtly. “it was fun, but i should go.”

she pouts, hair falling around her. she pushes it back, exposing herself to him. “are you sure you don’t want to stay for round two?”

he wants to vomit because he doesn’t even know why he’s at her apartment, not his house. he doesn’t know why he fucked her. god, he has so many regrets. “sorry, early mornin.”

she smiles sadly but understandingly. “call me, okay?”

and, he hates himself for saying he will knowing he won’t and he hates himself for even going. because this isn’t him, he never did this before. he’s finally living up to his reputation, he supposes.

on the way home, he stops for mcdonald’s because he figures he’s already going to hell, why not enjoy the rest of his night by eating food crafted by the devil himself. he makes it to his house and opens the front door, lights still on from when he left and the mess covering his home.

he sighs and kicks the cum towels that seem to never end to the side. he wants to cry, wants something to make him feel better and the mcdonald’s is only making him nausea.

instinctively, he picks up his phone. he goes to his recent calls and sees the phone number of the girl he was just with. his thumb hovers over her number until he finally presses it.

“hey?” she questions, voice teasing. “just couldn’t get enough of me?”

jaehyun laughs, but it isn’t funny. “yeah. is round two still on the table?”

many people pass in and out of his bed, condoms rack up, sweat stains and cum towels fill his laundry, but it’s never enough to help him rid the feeling of emptiness. because it’s not johnny.

he meets people, sees the same people two or four times. there are people who he only has sex with once and then those who keep crawling back to him and he’s an asshole, and he’s fucking sad, so he fucks them again because an hour of feeling good, maybe (kind of) makes up for the hours he spends feeling miserable and guilty.

it goes on for a couple of months and doyoung notices, can't help but notice the talk on campus that playboy jung jaehyun has finally resurfaced.

“it’s not healthy,” doyoung scolds as he picks up what he can stomach off of jaehyun’s disgusting living room floor. jaehyun snickers when doyoung almost steps in left out chinese. “jesus christ, i’m calling an exterminator. there’s no way there aren’t fucking rats in here or something.”

jaehyun shrugs his shoulders. “i think it’s better than me doing crack cocaine.”

doyoung sighs. “not if you get a fucking std or some girl pregnant.”

“i use condoms,” jaehyun reminds him, typing away on his computer because he’s been procrastinating on his history essay for a month and a half and it’s due in less than two days. 

“not one hundred percent full proof, but go off i guess.” doyoung gives up cleaning and collapses next to jaehyun.

“when’s the last time you’ve gotten a good fuck?” jaehyun asks. “you could use it.”

“last night actually,” doyoung flicks the back of jaehyun’s head. “why? do you want to fuck me?”

“i stick my dick in anything that moves, of course i want to fuck you.”

doyoung hits jaehyun on the arm. “you’re disgusting. i miss old jaehyun. i don’t like fuck boy jaehyun.”

jaehyun shrugs.

“there’s rumors,” doyoung says casually, “that he’s stopped hooking up with people.”

jaehyun shrugs again, but he’s suddenly listening a little bit more.

“i don’t know. apparently he’s cut off all his friends with benefits...after, you know. rumors say he told them that he found someone…”

jaehyun’s breath hitches. “oh.”

“i know why you’re doing this to yourself, jaehyun. you think maybe he’ll realize he’s jealous and come running back to you. well guess what? it’s been two months and he’s still gone. so, why you’re still self destructing is a mystery to me.”

“i’m not self-destructing. i’m trying to be happy,” jaehyun argues but there’s no truth behind his statements so there’s no emotion backing him up.

“i’d never thought there’d be a day where i say i miss when you were pinning over johnny. maybe loving johnny was self-destructive, but this is just plain suicide, jae. you think that an hour of numbing pleasure is worth it, but in the end you’re just filled with regrets because that isn’t you. you don’t use people. you aren’t johnny and becoming him won’t make him love you.”

+

jaehyun finally takes doyoung seriously after one of his usual booty calls starts getting clingy. he cuts them all off officially when they confess their love for him.

he realizes that he is johnny seo in jaehyun’s body. when he looks in the mirror, he sees himself but when he stares down at his text messages he can’t help but wonder if this is what johnny’s phone looked like. people desperate to be with him, people crying over him.

it’s weird because it hurts. it hurts to know that he was just some hookup to johnny, in spite of their friendship and their shared interests he was just another hole. 

doyoung decides to celebrate jaehyun’s newfound abstinence (and realizations that he’s a big fucking asshole) by taking him to a club. jaehyun doesn’t know why he agreed to go, especially as he’s sitting sober on a stool with doyoung and his boyfriend practically fucking each other less than twenty feet away from him.

god, he needs a drink. or someone to fuck. both would be optimal, but one is sufficient enough. considering his pledge, he decides that whiskey should be enough to tide him over until doyoung orgasms on the dance floor. should being the keyword.

three glasses of whiskey later, he’s out in the middle of the crowd with someone grinding on his dick and his ass on someone else. he loves the easy going atmosphere of it all, how he doesn’t need to know anyone’s name to have fun with them. so much easier than all his “friends” with benefits.

“i know you wanted to make me jealous,” a voice says into his ear so soft that he can barely make it out. jaehyun stumbles, but the guy steadies him. “consider me jealous, baby.”

and, jaehyun knows the way that baby rolls off the guys tongue. he doesn’t even need to turn around to recognize the voice, despite not having heard it in months. “johnny.”

“‘s hot,” johnny rubs a hand up jaehyun’s torso back down to his hip. “but, kind of...how do i put it? sad too.”

jaehyun moves in rhythm with johnny, a little too dazed to even pull away. he doesn’t want to pull away. he should, but he doesn’t. he hates that his body is reacting to johnny, even now, and hates that he wants johnny more than anything.

god, this is fucked up. there has to be something wrong with him. maybe he is a masochist because only someone who enjoys pain would fall back into bed with the same person who broke their heart.

they dance for a little longer, until jaehyun can’t take the need for johnny. he tugs on johnny’s arm and he forgets about doyoung, who could catch a ride home in an uber or something. because if jaehyun is going to be a fucking idiot, he’s going to get an orgasm or two out of it.

the cab ride home is a blur of messy kisses and giggles and he feels for the cab driver, who he throws cash at as they trip all the way to his bedroom. 

he’s already naked when he realizes that he’s making a mistake, but he doesn’t want to call it off. he knows if he says no, johnny will listen to him but he doesn’t want to. because he aches for johnny, for his touch, for his lips. it’s ever so toxic, poison in the form of human skin and warmth, but he doesn’t care. 

not in the slightest.

+

“i love you,” jaehyun whispers, skin still sticky from the sweat, hair matted to his forehead. “god, i fucking love you.”

johnny wasn’t supposed to hear it, but his eyes open as soon as jaehyun utters the words. his heart does this _thing_ , flutters like he’d never felt before.

johnny’s heard i love you hundreds—maybe even thousands of times—but it’s never made him feel...so warm. like safety rested in the arms of jung jaehyun. he swallows hard, but continues to pretend he’s asleep as jaehyun hums some song.

jaehyun’s apartment is freezing cold and johnny doesn’t blame jaehyun for cuddling up next to him, head on his chest like he belong there. 

and, johnny hates how he can’t fall asleep because all he wants to do is watch jaehyun, how his chest rises and falls and how he has a bad habit of drooling. 

and, he hates that he wants to say those three little words jaehyun was begging to hear all those months ago. he hates that i don’t know somehow transformed into i love you, or maybe how it had always been i love you and he was just too afraid to admit it.

+

jaehyun wakes up at eight a.m. burning up and sweatier than he was before he and johnny fucked. he licks his lips and opens an eye.

as he goes to roll over, he runs into something—or rather someone. he blinks a couple times, wanting to make sure he isn’t imagining it.

johnny seo is lying next to him, with the sun out and burning bright the morning after. it has to be a mistake. somehow, johnny overslept. because johnny doesn’t stay over, never has. not for anyone.

johnny stirs under jaehyun’s stare and turns on his side, eyes opening a crack. “you’re creepy.” his voice is deep and gruff, jaehyun almost stutters.

“you’re here.”

“i’m here.” johnny’s eyes close and reopen a minute later. “i’m here.”

+

“you’re a good cook,” johnny mentions after swallowing. “really good.”

jaehyun is tempted to say _you would’ve know that sooner if you ever bothered to stay_. “thank you.”

jaehyun is dying a little on the inside because he wants to say so much to johnny, but he stays silent. maybe silence is better than trying to express his emotions.

he doesn’t have one regret about what they did. but, he knows in a couple days when it starts to hurt all over again, he’s going to be wishing that johnny never walked into his life.

“i fucked up,” johnny whispers so quiet jaehyun almost misses it. “i know i did.”

jaehyun is so shocked, he doesn’t even know what he’s supposed to say. 

“and, i have a lot of regrets, jaehyun. letting you push me away is at the top of the list.”

“oh.”

johnny drops his fork on his plate. “yeah.” he takes a breath. “i don’t have some sob story as to why i’m the way i am, jaehyun...i don’t know why i’m an asshole. i just am. but, i-i love you. i do.”

“okay.” jaehyun doesn’t know what else to say because this wasn’t supposed to happen this morning. johnny’s love confession wasn’t supposed to happen. he didn’t rehearse this in his head.

“okay?”

“i-“ jaehyun closes his eyes in frustration. “i still love you, johnny. but you fucked up. _you fucked me up_. like, jesus christ i was fucked up for a long time.”

johnny remains quiet.

“it’s not entirely your fault, but i mean, it was fucked up—what happened—but if you didn’t know you didn’t know, i guess. doesn’t change the fact that you treated me like shit.”

“i know,” johnny sighs. “i wish i could change that, jaehyun. i do. i want so much to go back and yell at myself for how i treated you. but, i can’t. all i can do is try every day to make up for it. let me make up for it, please.”

“how?”

johnny smiles, it’s small but present and it’s cute and jaehyun just wishes he didn’t love him so much. “a date...if you want.”

jaehyun grins his big dumb grin. “i’d love to.”

+

**johnny seo:), 5:37 p.m.**  
are we still good for dinner?

 **jaehyun, 5:38 p.m.**  
i’m down. what should i wearr

 **johnny seo:), 5:38 p.m.**  
whatever you’re comfortable in, baby.

+

“here we are,” johnny opens jaehyun’s car door for him. jaehyun steps out and looks around.

“sushi? you know me too well.”

johnny laughs and latches onto jaehyun’s hand, leading them to the front door. he hums in agreement and finds them a table near a window, the orange and red sun setting as the view. it’s beautiful, jaehyun thinks, but not as beautiful as the person sitting across from him.

it may be a date, but it doesn’t feel that much different than them just hanging out. they laugh and giggle and throw food at each other. they talk and smile, sometimes even sit in a peaceful silence because they’re that comfortable with each other.

jaehyun loves that there’s no pressure, no worries about waking up alone in the morning. there’s security in it, even if they’re not in a relationship. 

the atmosphere changes drastically when johnny’s eyes go wide and jaehyun turns his head slowly. 

“johnny,” a guy greets, waving awkwardly. “haven’t seen you in a while.” 

he’s cute, jaehyun admits bitterly. 

“yeah,” johnny shrugs. “found someone.”

“ahh. rumors are true then?”

“i guess.” johnny looks uncomfortable and jaehyun feels the tension between them. 

“hey,” jaehyun says to johnny, grabbing his hand. “we’re going to be late to my cousin’s birthday party if we don’t leave now.”

johnny shoots him a grateful smile. “yeah, right. it was good seeing you, soojin.”

the guy, soojin, nods. “guess i’ll see you around?”

“yeah.” johnny picks up the bill and bids soojin a goodbye. jaehyun picks up his coat and they leave as soon as johnny pays.

they’re back in the car before anyone says anything.

“i’m sorry,” johnny murmurs as he drives back to jaehyun’s apartment. “about what happened.”

“who was that?” jaehyun doesn’t really even want to know, but he has to. he looks down at his hands, fingers mindlessly playing with each other.

“someone who i used to sleep with...before, well, you.” johnny glances at jaehyun. “i stopped...when you told me. i don't know if you know that, but i haven’t slept with anyone since before you told me that you loved me.”

jaehyun wishes he could say the same. “why did he make you react like that? what happened?”

johnny sighs, trying to come up with some kind of explanation. “because...he reminds me of the way i was, how i acted and it makes me ashamed of myself. sleeping with people, using people for numb pleasure. it…it makes me fucking sad, you know?”

“i know,” jaehyun answers honestly because he does, unfortunately. “and, yeah it’s fucked up. but, you’re trying to change. you’re trying to be different. we both are, johnny. we can’t keep beating ourselves up for the mistakes we made. it’s unhealthy and i won’t allow it.”

johnny smiles warmly, eyes crinkling and sparkling. god, jaehyun is in fucking love with johnny’s smile. “i love you.”

“good,” jaehyun says, “because i love you more.”

“i’d really love if you’d do me the honor of being my boyfriend,” johnny turns to face him as they stop at the red light. 

“we’ll see in the morning,” jaehyun giggles and johnny punches his arm.

“i’m serious.”

jaehyun looks him dead in the eyes, wanting to crumble under his stare. “oh, johnny seo, i’d love to to be your boyfriend, but, you’re cooking breakfast tomorrow morning.”

“i’m a master at making cereal, baby.”

jaehyun rolls his eyes. “if you don’t pour the cereal before the milk, it’s over already.”

“i knew i picked a winner.” the car behind him honks their horn, but johnny still leans over to kiss jaehyun because fuck it. he’s in love.

**Author's Note:**

> uhmmmm thank you for reading??? i've never written johnjae so this was an interesting experience. i hope you enjoyed. if you could, please leave a kudos or comment. no comment is too short or long:)))) even if it's a keyboard smash, it makes me smile. uhm, yup that's it. hope you have a wonderful day/night/afternoon/morning. with love, liv.


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